[green] back boris

The Conservative Party has hit political gold, or should they say green with new London Mayor hopeful Boris Johnson.

"The slogan "back Boris" has been made with the concept of him being environmentally green and his aristocratic background, with his key demographic of supporters being fans of 80s kids TV resulting in a slow unveiling of him as baron greenback of dangermouse fame", said a clearly debriefed secretary.

Boris said, "I have green ideas, like removing buses, which needlessly mean over 100 people can use one vehicle, and could actually result in them using over 100 individual vehicles - genius because most of them are too poor to buy a car!"

Dangermouse has said, "He is a coward - green back and yellow belly"

"Political Theft: Problem Sorted" says Blair

Former PM and shiny in the States politician Tony Blair, has spoken out for the first time since leaving office - on the issue of pinching ideas.

"I know the Tories feel that we [Labour] have pinched their ideas about tax - but seriously look at Cameron he stole my entire f*cking act!", the 6 foot politico said.

"I mean the cheek of it, yeah policies come and go, but me I'm a one off. its very disconcerting that they ripped me off, lock stock and barrel."

Prof Moriarty of North West Uni said, "he has a point".

"im an eeejit not an idiot" says bob geldof

"i have had enough of people calling me and idiot - its pronounced eejit!" said the unwashed father of annoying DJ peaches.

"people may not like my politics, buts that's because they eat panda cub sandwiches covered in crude oil, they may not like my music and that's because they have heard other music - all of which is inevitably better but i am not an idiot."

The confused tirade of abuse was directed at a paparazzi as Sir Bob left a trendy London night spot where his daughter peaches was getting canned for another lack lustre Djing performance. music industry insiders say that despite sir bob having the largest collection of Michael flatly LPs known to man she has not played a single one, leading to poor reviews.

Lib Dems need Iraq

Sir Minty Campbell has admitted that, "without Iraq we are policy less", he went on to shock many media commentators by saying, "and i think about wearing a toupee".





In what many see as a diversionary tactic Sir Minty has decided to make his lack of hair the number one Lib Dem issue, if there is any change in Iraq.





"For years we have now been using Iraq as a catchall euphemism to demonstrate frustration with Labour, we didn't really bother with any other policies. So if there is a UK troop withdrawal we have nothing, nada, nyet, zip, bubkis", said Campbell.





Sarah Teether, the child prodigy of Westminster, aged 13, said, "I think that Thir Minty hath a point. But we still have lotsth of polithies - like the fact he may wear a wig. we should make the next general electiona referndum to the people on minty'th toupee." The saliva tornado continued by saying, "itsth justht not fair, I'm going to sthcream."

The Shadow shadow defence spokeman, Slimebit Opik said, "I may go over there as an insurgent instead of campaigning this time, quite frankly eee- eee- eeking it out is my only hope.

A yougov poll has today but Sir Minty's toupee 5 points higher than Sir Minty himself.

EU Referendum question decided

British politics is now set to face a public referendum on the EU. In an unprecedented move the question for the ballot has been decided and published early to start an "open, frank debate without jingoistic prejudice", said one commentator.

The question is, "Do you think we can trust the French?"

"it is great to see that a modernising attitude has swept the nation, a multicultural nation of Britain ready to embrace a new identity as Europeans, as well as our rich and much envied traditional notion of nation", said eddy izzard, pro European lifestyle genius.

The Daily Mail has set up an expected NO vote campaign, and aligned itself with most the of Conservative Party. Their front line anti foreign spokesman said, "for a long time now we have taken a complex issue of EU integration and explained it in terms couched in thinly veiled racism and prejudice." Mr Brampton continued, "I asked one man if he wanted to join Europe and he said 'no i don't like garlic' - he is now heading up the EU report task force".

Tory leader David Cameron is said to be angry at Tory party hard liners who want the question to include the much more complex issue of the Germans. Desperate Dave said, "I have a BMW can't we forgive and forget. I'm not going to send back my bang and olufsen hi fi either- no matter how much lord cashcroft bullies me".

Lord cashcroft, paymaster general of the Tory party, said, "I have told him that bang and oflusen are danish".

It looks like the question of the EU will run and run, with many Britain's embracing this new philosophy of open minded debate - with no problems whatsoever.

slaughter of sacred cow commentary fails to hit the middle ground

As another sacred cow is slaughtered at a temple in wales commentary on the issues fails to hit middle ground, and remains lodged at hyperboly or apathy. One person at the temple compared the experience to Nazi raids during the holocaust and one local said he was having steak for dinner.

The complete lack of middle ground views, or 'concern', has struck commentators as odd. one media talking head has said, "i don't understand the issue but i accept they emotion within it - the steak jokes are in bad taste. "

exams are getting easier, as former toddlers get record results

Britain's exam system is in crisis today as thousands of children got A*'s.

"all of these children were just toddlers a few years ago, and yet they can pass these exams", said increasingly desperate Tory front man David Cameron, "it is ludicrous that even children can pass these exams".

The range of outrage was only equalled by sullen teenagers saying that, "they weren't bloody kids, ok?", and "god you just don't understand do you?!".

There is a serious problem with any education system that lets a massive oversight like this happen, and according to a recent Daily Mail poll, exams were harder when they were known by only one initial like an O or A level.

"the modern multi-initial exams GCSE and AS level are overly lettered", said Prof McShane BaHons, Ma(Cantab), PhD, KBE, adding, "At this rate children who are 6 or 7 years old now will be passing these so called 'exams' within just 10 years".

The final words go to shadow education spokesman Hugh Dafark, "if these kids are so clever how come none of them have jobs?".

Desperate Dave's plea to Brown

Tory leader David Cameron today made British political history by asking the Prime Minister to stop "toying with our [Conservative] narrow minds".

"He may have an October election, he may not. He may have a Spring election, he may not. He is fucking with a fragile minds and twisting our heads - please stop Mr Brown", said the thinly veiled desperado.

The Conservative Party has not faired well in the wake of the Brown bounce, and looks to be blighted by arguments over Europe, and taxation. Two of the longest standing wounds to the increasingly right wing party.

"Look we deserted the centre ground and now we can;t make it back" said Lord Georgy "Little Lord Fauntleroy" Osbourne of Foxtons. "Redwood made some key proposals, and real head way of presenting our agenda for the rich in a populist manner, and if he hadn't been tainted long ago with other worldly weirdness maybe it would have worked." Adding, "We have so few people actually able to manage we have to resort to using dinosaurs like Redwood, who despite numerous flaws is better than Letwin."

Mr Cameron, continued his plea, "Brown knows he has us where he wants us, rashly spanking out policy proposals in the desperate hope we may grab some kind of political headway in the run up to an election. thing is we don't know when it will be, if he goes sooner then we may be OK, but later will result in us having to produce increasingly more outlandish head line grabbing policy free statements - and quite frankly we are halfway there already". a visibly unshaven and harassed "desperate Dave" figure to his own troops Cameron is really feeling the pinch of his PR driven style, say some observers.

Lord Cashcroft, in house Tory banker, said, "What we need now is a bloody good poll on the Eu reform stuff - let me call the Daily Mail".

Whilst David Cameron is desperate it is unlikely the Prime Minister will pay attention to today's outspoken plea.

Redwood faces Romulan attack

the shadow something or other John Redwood, faces fresh attacks on his proposals to destroy the federation and return control of all planetary signatories to the prime directive over to the Klingon's.

Romulan sources close to the Premier Marash OnMiB'itz have said, "It is clearly a document written by the Klingons, being put forward by one of their Vulcan spies." Adding, "we are concerned that the attack on viable taxation systems and a commitment to increasing motorway volume over the next 20 years, is against everything that the federation has done."

"Redwood, famously of Vulcan descent, has denied all rumours of being a Klingon double agent - but he would wouldn't he?", says Capt Jean Luc Picard. "i myself am committed to the federation and think any move to the tax slashing boom and bust economics of the Klingon's would result in disaster" said the slap head star ship trooper.

desperate dave defends dictators in his cabinet

after a tirade of abuse for half of his cabinet moonlighting as non executive dictators of companies Desperate Dave Cameron has struck back.

"look they literally have nothing else to do now, do they?" the bewildered Tory leader asked some cynical journalists. "its not like they are running, or likely to run, the bloody country. some of them aren't pig thick so its only natural they want to do something productive with their time." The incoherent rambling continued, "I personally wish i had another job, and i know many of my shadow cabinet colleagues wish i did too".

Lord cashcroft, the monkey grinder to Dave Cameron's organ said, "I'm absolutely minted, i could give em something to make em focus. you know a sweetener like, but nah they want their farkin dictatorships. makes me wonder some days - but fuck it lets face it they are a shower with a wet drip leading em."

The shadow cabinet has been unavailable for comment due to the sunny weather recently, but are now back defending their outside interests, William Hague has been making over £100,000 a year on the pubic speaking circuit, he has said, "i like money, who doesn't?".

Sarah Teaser the Lib Dem child slave and shadow shadow spokes person for something said, "i would do it to, but one no one can see me over the lectern and two no one rings. ya know, yah?"

The last word goes to Tory leader David Cameron, "Has anyone seen Oliver Letwin recently? i am sure he has been subbing in for David Dickinson at supermarket openings".

Cameron's Uncertainty Principle: The world of science shocked

David Cameron shocked the world of quantum mechanics today with his new politicised version of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle that the act of observing will change the phenomenon being observed.

The Tory leader said, "I have realised that the very act of watching the Conservative Party will change the nature of the Party. We are natural right wing, uncaring and bigoted but the very act of being watched makes us appear to be caring and compassionate. I am myself the most uncertain of all Conservatives being the leader - switching with a truly paradoxical rate of uncertainty".

nuclear physicist Prof Gavin French said, "This explains so much about the modern day Conservative Party. Like the atom which is governed by quantum mechanics - they too expend most energy whilst splitting".

Lord Saarky, the man with the Tory plan said, "I am amazed that Mr Cameron has decided to make this venture into the world of science, when he is sorely trailing in the polls. if i was him i would be focusing on my perception as a weak willed cowed toff."

Lord Cashcroft, Tory donor has said, "he spent my money on what?!".

The last word goes to the Brown camp who said, "I am not sure what this means for the Conservatives, but it doesn't sound great. to continue the tenuous allegory Labour is all about Brownian motion, invigorating the county on the molecular level."

Desperate Dave pins false hope on a Transformer

Embattled Conservative party leader David Cameron has hit back with his own poll of school kids after proper pollsters put Brown 10 whole points ahead.

Mr Cameron said, "i have conducted my own poll, of school children, and whilst it doesn't put me ahead of brown the margin is only two points. the bigger question Mr brown must answer is why he is 34 points behind optimus prime - who i will hopefully be getting onto my apparently defunct 'A list' "

it is a major talking point in media circles that Mr Cameron's poll of pre teen children has put him still behind brown. One remarked, "i am not sure whether he can argue to be a real contender when he is still narrowly beaten by brown and trounced by a giant transforming truck."

sources inside the brown camp are certain that whether 10 or 2 points ahead of Mr Cameron he need not fear the conservative party - or the fictitious character Cameron is pinning his hopes on"

Lord Saarky, a chief Tory grandee was posed the question, "what do you make of Mr Cameron's bold assertions of increasing his opinion poll status by twinning himself with optimus prime, on the basis of a poll of school children?" to which he replied, "he did what now? my god that man is crutters, i mean dim doesn't describe it, Jesus never thought i would actually miss Iain Duncan Smith".

optimus prime has released a statement saying, "I'm a Labour man, and I fully support Gordon Brown. Conservatives are Decipticons - Fact."

wanksy sprays

the world of art has yet to fully recover from the brutally pasting given to it by wanksy, graffito de jour and sell out of the year.

in a recent gallery exhibition wanksy took a aerosol machete to a picture of someone by someone else and art monkeys applauded like they to had just sprayed.

a malevolent hoody, James oxbridge from Bucks said, "look he has sold out rite, now it means that his previous work is given an inane and puerile aspect which would have been unattributable to an anti establishment figure - yeah he got the cash but lets face it - the back catalogue is now redundant."

a media talkign head said, "he is the zeitgeist".

Brian sewell said, "oooh um, yahhhhhhhhh".

the world of the street has lost another hero, according to some, and the art world gained another doyenne like prima donna - we know whose needs is greater.

alex salmonds own broadcasting network

support is growing for Alex Salmon's demands for his own broadcasting network from snp die hards.

Alex Salmon said, "for too long i have been denied my own voice in the mainstream media, for instance when i say things people should then hear them repeated in live streaming 24 hour a day Salmon news. Every day i find i am sidelined as a minor politician." The solution the Scottish first minister proposes is a suite of channels made in Scotland by Scots for Scots, with all pervading almond media messages.

"look we all know how well the Scottish football team does - so lets make our own TV", said ramshackle former TV present Jock McJockly, "we have long been ignored as the funny ones with red hair and scurrilously stereotyped by Rab C Newsboy, Wee jimmy cranky, and worst of all bastarding supergran". the bewildered loner went on to say, "when i fronted the now iconic 70's TV show Uncle Jocks moving kilt Scottish TV had pride and really stirred up media coverage", Mr McJockly, did not divulge the nature of media coverage surrounding his show as, "those charges were never proven - nae back off ya bas tardin sass nakin who are".

The Salmon broadcasting network has a bevy of shows already in production:

• Cant fry a mars bar, wont fry a mars bar - cooking show


• cholesterol ridden heartbeat - Sunday night soporophory


• the pie at night - astronomy show


• booze women - lifestyle panel show


• binge of the day - sports


• chewin the fat bird - comedy


• cheap date - game show


• ant and Mac's Saturday night carry out - game show


• jock's factor - talent show


• Salmondnight - political discussion show

"the excitement was typified to me, by a young boy who came up to me and said, 'yae alreet thare pal, gonnae fek off befae i gonnae blade ya, ya numpty' - beautiful, trully beautiful", Mr Salmon said.

Chimps deny all Bush links

The World Association for the Advancement of Chimps today spoke out at claims that they are in fact related to or behind the Bush Presidency.



In a bid to distance themselves Prof McChimp provided pretty shocking proof," whilst we are 99% identical to humans genetically speaking we have tested George Bush Jr's DNA and found that he is in fact only 82% comparable to us.", the bespectacled primate began. "For years now we have been tied with the Bush Presidency, with his foolish and idiotic behaviour being linked to the stereotypical view of chimps - this evidence stops that", he went on to lambaste the Western media, "with few comparators of such gross idiocy in the human world the media were forced to look elsewhere to find similarities, and although he may look chimpesque, Bush's DNA is actually closer to that of Cyanochloronta or pond scum to you or me".

Prof McChimp speaks out

The world of science is bemused yet convinced by these findings, with several creationist sources arguing that evolution is not happening if their poster boy is actually devolving.



Rev Randy McFisty, of the Unified School of Creation, said, "look people how is everything 'evolving' if the President of the U.S. of A is actually 'devolving' according to your licentious 'science'? If God made the world then he made our president backwards for a reason - maybe something to do with Haliburton's belief in the power of prayer?".



Chimps worldwide now rest easy knowing that their name is clear and that no more monkey business will be carried out in their name.

Foot in mouth virus originated in government lab: video gamers feel vindicated

As news that the recent outbreak of foot in mouth disease originated in a government run lab has vindicated the beliefs of millions of video gamers.

"shady government labs are doing this all the time, and the fact it has finally surfaced in the mainstream media is a vindication for all of us gamers", said 16 year old Gavin McBride. "for years i have chosen not to go out with girls, go outside, or even wash, preparing relentlessly playing resident evil just in case such an event took place".

actress Millay jellyfish, is on stand by as the worlds premier qweller of random viral outbreaks. "i am ready to kill them all - what ever they may be or whatever."

replacement to usual big white spaceman suits normally used

Dr Barry Burlington, author of the controversial "you know governments? they are fucking with your heads" has spoken out. "maybe I'm a paranoid crackpot or maybe the government is doing things it shouldn't. this super virulent strain of foot in mouth disease has been engineered in a lab and released onto an unsuspecting world. it was carried by a vicious killer monkey, driven wild with rage at its social faux pas, this monkey then went round biting people after being sent berserk by a particularly frustrating round of pictionary - maybe this is true."



in short this country is outraged that the rambling musings of a few fringe nut jobs was ignored for so long, and following this trend of adolescent male fantasies coming true is waiting in anticipation for the fabled Jordan, cheeky girl, vordermann and kaplinsky lezz up.

Boris Johnson part of Foot in Mouth disease cull

panic struck CCHQ as this afternoon orders for Boris Johnson's immediate termination were ordered directly from COBRA, the emergency government giant snake. The outbreak of foot in mouth disease was traced back to a comment Boris Johnson made last night at dinner when he called a woman he was at dinner with, "Fred, your pretty bloody blokey, tell me what do you use to keep your beard so chuffingly thick?" - Ann widdecombe declined to comment.

This definitive diagnosis comes after months of speculation over the initial symptoms of the condition - and in reference to this Liverpool has been cordoned off as the most major site of boris's foot in mouthism.





as part of special measures the entire conservative front bench has been kept in seclusion in a secret gentleman's club - "where they can enjoy their last few hours" according to defra specialists.





"David Cameron has recently been exhibiting massive signs of the disease", said foot in mouth talking head Lord Saatchi. at this point in time the Tory leader is still on the at risk list, and should be considered a massive liability, with no right minded people approaching him.

RAther than the end of conservatism in the UK, Lord ashcroft, major party manager and banker said, "Its a change to sweep away the old quite frankly, or should i say a chance to sweep away the new and get the old back in. stalwarts of the tory front bench will be fine and only the new pr branded tories will suffer. older party members are too plain talking to be effected. they are racist bigoted and snobby." Lord ashcroft then went on to refer as the past decades worth of tory leaders as "collateral damage to me [lord ashcroft] and my master [satan] in the fight for the very MORTAL SOULS OF THE VOTERS MUHAMUHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Prof Rather McCarty said, "a lot of the symptoms went unnoticed - and quite frankly when dealing with increasingly inbred toffs it is hard to tell isn't it?." The specialist went onto say, "It is a problem endemic of the current fad amongst the right wing to competitively breed posher - and dumber- offspring, and then subjecting them to massive amounts of booze and cocaine in these hot house public school dining clubs - its inhumane."





Brenda Sheilah, of the Institute of Inbreeding based in Norwich, has said that the culling is necessary though hard and those around them should realise it is in the greater good. "we have had to inform several villages in the buckinghamshire, oxfordshire and Kent areas to cease all activity. the once harmless sport of baiting these posh right wingers with questions about entering Europe is just not on, it would be no laughing matter if Boris then went on to accuse their mum of being a slag and then going on a killing spree.





government insiders have said that the foot in mouth outbreak will be over once "we bury the ashes of their privileged corpses", a highly professional manner with no joy in their demise is being taken.

"Yorkshire's insistence that it is 'gods own country' - makes god a wife beater", admits church of england

in shocking news today Dr Desmond Decker, Chief arch Bishop of the northern region, admitted that Yorkshire's belief at being gods own country has tacit transferred god int a wife beater.

"the transient nature of belief, means that in essence if people believe in god, and that makes it true, well then believing he lives somewhere is equally valid, and if everyone else thinks they are wife beaters - well that is also true", said the shame faced glorified vicar.

The changes to the Anglican service will be mainly typified to a move to plain white vests instead of ceremonial robes, and services being held later in the day after a few.

god has said she is very upset with the decision

drug addled rock star writes song for model

today in shocking news Pete Dotty acted erratically and then did something to try and bring back his stable income, if not relationship, with Kate moss.

"i wrote a song, if only to give a comparator to the shocking decline in the content and style of my already sub par music, but also to try and get her back", said troubled troubadour with cuntish blond foppish hair, "i want to express my need for her prestige but mainly her cash - do you know how much the amount of china i go through costs?"

"lets face a bung every week would do, i couldn't shag her if i wanted to. my dick has been injected into so many times when i piss i get the floor, ceiling and walls wet - its like that Sylvester and tweety pie when he gets holes in him and the water comes out. you know like that, or maybe like a tributary of a river aching to fare well in the hands of a delta mangrove swamp".

"i am not on fuckin drugs" , he then lied

police chief defiant after mistaken tube shooting

Supt Indt Insp Riley was defiant in the face of criticism from civil rights groups today. this has stemmed from the bungled shooting to death of Belgian busker Antoine De Trefor, after mistaking the 31 year old busker for a highly motivated splinter cell operative - police reports follow:





"the team were alerted to a possible terror suspect in tavistock tube station, the officers quickly identified the man who had been hanging around the station for hours. he was sat on a stool holding what could have either been a guitar or a semi automatic AK47 assault rifle. his large backpack either contained unwashed clothes or Semtex."

artists impression of "buskers" guitar

"on approaching the suspect he began to play the assault rifle in a untuned fashion which soon escalated to a full scale rendition of coldplay's fix you- we shot him repeatedly in the face and torso, but mainly the face."

"on inspection we released that the suspect was neither a terrorist or Chris martin of coldplay, we were gutted".





"cold blooded murder or innocent mistake is not the issue at this point in time", said police chief john Scott, "the real issue is that both terrorists and Chris martin are still out the plotting".

breaking news - jesus' face seen on painting

pilgrims have been gathering today outside the national gallery where a tourist has found a painting with what looks like an image of Jesus' face on it.

shocked staff flocked to see what the Vatican is calling "a bloody miracle", or as Mrs Washington of Delaware USA, the finder of the painting said "a sign from god".

it is common for images of Jesus and his mum, Madonna (the other one) on other items like tomatoes, toasted cheese sandwiches and the sides of buildings - but never has anyone reported seeing a likeness of him in a painting.

Lourdes style queues of pilgrims quickly appeared to be blessed by the canvass with paint on.

Prof Gregory Peck, the chief curator said, "all these years we just thought it was a bit of cloth with oil smeared of it - we always wondered who the little fella nailed to the cross reminded us of, but it took an insightful viewing from one of our American cousins to make us finally see the light". Prof Peck was later dismissed for using the "see the light" pun.

The Pope may visit the gallery himself, but "mainly to see the picture of that larger lady with her norks hanging out", as one insider put it.

Mrs Washington summed up the whole experience as, " one of those things that happens, but when it happens its like you know, i cant believe this is happening to me, But it is!", she may be an imbecile.

internet voting fears proved right as paris hilton elected

Paris Hilton became the first Internet elected politician last night in the local council elections for shrewsbury county council.

Dr Malcolm excross, author of "voting for dummies" said, "it was inevitable that most people would go for their usual voting preferences, what no one thought was that seeing as the most common poll online is "who is the biggest slag Britney or Paris?" that Paris Hilton would be the preferential choice."

democracyRightNow, the pushy focus group, have hailed this as a victory for true democracy and the actual voice of the people. Jason kitcat has said, " i wish more elections were like this, i mean finally people, we have arrived".

Tory leader David Cameron is again in third place, though sources close to him say "his flagging polling over recent months may be perked up by being beaten off by Paris Hilton".

more serious critics of the scheme project that at this rate Paris Hilton will not just be queen slag but also PRESIDENT OF THE KNOWN WORLD in a matter of years.

Ms Hilton, is likely to join the tories soon in solidarity with David Cameron's days of bullingdon excess - though Boris Johnson is said to be outraged that he is being replaced by a blond air head.

channel 4 drops call in quizzes "because they are idiotic"

Channel 4 bosses today announced an end of call in quizzes. In a carefully worded statement they said:

"The call in quiz typifies the sheerest form of idiocy known to man. Channel 4 wished to sever all ties to this barbaric practice of baiting the stupid and weak willed into making utter tits of themselves on national TV"

"to this end we have sent the Channel 4 shock troops to Richard and Judy's house where they will be summarily executed. in a sign of clear abeyance of this heinous practice"

Dr Steven Hawking has commented, "whilst pursuing some of the most complex theories of physics ever thought i saw phone in quizzes as the Major stumbling block to the next level of human evolution. i predict that now we will see and end to war and famine".

Richard madely has hurried released his final wish, which was "to boff carol vordermann senseless". sadly this will be impossible due to some collateral damage from the C4 shock troopers inadvertently breaking down vordermann's door and shooting her dead in the night. a full inquiry will be held over whether the command for the top brass to "just kill the c*ntish ones" was clear enough.

DEAD

heathrow is the only way to stop alchol fuelled rampages by brits

Government ministers joined forces with colleagues around the world in applauding Heathrows long queues and arduous security procedures.

"it is clear that without the lengthy delays, more Brits could get abroad to wreak havoc in historic and picturesque locations", a BAA spokesperson said.

The rise in hen and stag parties, plus a solid base of football related hooliganism has long put Britain a the forefront of loutish behaviour when abroad. but in a secret plan heathrow was made such an awkward mechanism to leave the country thousands of potential trouble makers stayed at home.

Pensioner groups were outraged that British pensioners were left to feel the effect of loutish gangs. Mr Fred Murray of help the aged said "whilst i applaud the lengths at which the government and airports have gone to, i must say i am not happy. AND NEITHER ARE PENSIONERS"

one leading government watchdog said, "we are not appalled by these measures and quiet frankly they have been a long time coming, answering pensioners group - OAPS ARE NEVER HAPPY"

heathrow management breathed a huge sigh of relief, the top team assembled from Enron and Barings banks, are glad that someone has used their inevitable and excellent skills of being a bit shoddy.

"we feel vindicated and finally appreciiiated", said their misspelled press release.

china says 99% of exports safe - but we make 100 billion things

red faced business general Ho Xi Shen today admitted whilst 99% of things from china were safe 1 billion other things weren't.

"since china became a manufacturing colossus in the late 80's we have been making most things safe, if not always safely. the problem is we make so much something is going to slip through the net, Shen began. "It does appear that there is some billion products with problems though".

consumers worldwide are questioning every consumer good around them in a bid to find the billion products

"i ate my razor this morning, and that wasnt good. i may sue china", said an outraged American, "when i ate a good old American made razor the blades would fall off in my mouth, not causing too much internal damage"

an irate mother has formed a group for irate mothers to burn all Chinese products in a Nuremberg style bonfire.

"i don't care what the toxic fumes from burning a mixed pile of unknown chemical and physical products will do to my children - and that's china's fault. i hope they are happy".

shen has stated that the billionth consumer to find the last dodgy product will be given a state funeral.

"science 0 god 1" say vicar

church of England vicar Rob Tether has hit back at the world of science today, claiming the floods had nothing to do with global warming but in fact were retribution for his sins.

"i have to come clean and apologise to the flood stricken areas of England, its all my fault", said guilt ridden Tether. "the day before the floods hit i sent the afternoon in my study masturbating to graphic pictures of ex big brother house mate Nicola Holt
- then disaster struck".

Speculators from the world of science and religion alike have questioned the dubious nature of his choice in pornography but are beginning to concede that such an apocalyptic vision could have brought about at least god's wrath - if not Armageddon itself.

Dr Steve Makele of the Church of England's Smiting team said, "whilst we do say our new testament God is all forgiving, it is possible that this action has invoked a return to the old testament vengeful and plaguing god"

a scientist said soemthing, but no one really understood it, essentially it involved words like "internicene period", "fractally sound weather projections with no certainty of gulf stream movement" and most disturbingly "nicola holt".

locals affected by flooding have found it hard to come to terms with the news. one man said, "Nicola Holt? that's unbelievable."

sources close to the arch bishop of Canterbury later mentioned that they were just glad it was fairly normal stuff and didn't involve any of the more notorious clergy related perversions.

the Vatican has declined to comment but is apparently pleased that finally god has started to back up their threats, one insider went as far to say, "Jesus Christ! about bloody time. we had started to sound like we were making idle threats", before being turned into a pillar of salt.

always a genocide too late

Lord saatchi continues his diatribe against now defunct Tory leader David Cameron

in a daily telegraph exclusive he says, "why mess about in Rwanda when he knows the fickle western media is now concentrating on darfur? I'm not saying that we should ignore Rwanda when the fickle western media is focusing on darfur, I'm just saying has he not heard of compassion fatigue? hello?"

the ancient ad guru went on to say, "look live earth happened and that was groovy and then Gordon brown poleaxed the UN into darfur, the floods hit and then chantelle up and left - Britain doesn't have space to care".

hit went on to lambaste Mr Cameron's choice of war zone, "its all about the Iraq, lets face it Iraq is sooooooo popular you could slap it on a t shirt and web designers would wear it. its hip. Afghanistan is yesterdays news.

"David Cameron is fated to be the global tragedy bridesmaid
and never the carnage bride - like thatcher"
Lord saatchi

Mr Cameron hit back whilst in Afghanistan by saying, " look i know the devastation in Whitney and in Kabul is equivalent, but lets face it Afghanistan has the sunshine"

cameron misunderstands snap election

after tough weeks for the conservative leader, facing war zones and refugees, or the oxfordshire Tory association, David Cameron has finally comes to terms with the prospect of a snap election.

"i am familiar with the idea of snap and look forward to closely mimicking the Prime Ministers every move - by shouting snap", mr cameron said on Radio 4's flagship Today programme. The tory leader went on to say, "for sometime now i have been trying to pull my party to the centre ground of british politics, and finding myself blighted not just by the old guard of right wingers but also Labour being nestled there, happily churning out policy better than mine. Now when i see soemething i like i can shout snap and gordon brown will lose the policy".

Sources close to the tory leader also say mr cameron has laid to rest rumours of rebellion from the back benches by using the age old technique of jinxing any critics. one tory whip was reportedly over joyed with being tasked with silencing Lord Saatchi. "the arrogant tw*t always talks about himself in the third person, piece of cake" he was overheard saying.

papers overjoyed with flood based puns

in a stark contrast to the actual misery of thousands of Britons the nation's papers have literally been "wetting themselves" with excitement.

the outbreak of flooding and political naivety from Tory leader Mr Cameron has resulted in a range of excruciatingly balls aching pun headlines from the papers

"Cameron is a damp squib" - Times
"it never rains, it pours - Cameron faces more attacks" - telegraph
"its raining then?"- the sun (on Mr Cameron's ignorance of situation at home when in Rwanda)
"water set to rise to biblical proportions, as in a allegory of Sartre's existential angst"-guardian
"Whitney gets wet n wild" - star (incidentally this was a story about Whitney Houston)

the headline to top them all goes to the NME, with the analysis that Britain is now officially Amy Winehouse - "Rough up north, bumpy in the middle and really wet down south".

Virgin media slams slow broadband users

The battle of broadband heated up today with Virgin media attacking slow broad band speeds and even slower broadband users.

A spokesperson said, "Research out today from Which? says there is a gap between the promises made by suppliers and the actual speed achieved". but then went on to say, "lets face it in most cases its academic really isn't it?"

"slow broadband users have been clogging up our network with inane behaviour. for instance searching for Google on Google. i mean honestly one call to our help desk involved a woman who was caught in the inescapable maze that is the Richard and Judy web site for 17 hours. we called in the fire brigade."

DR soreness McGuire's seminal research paper "porn and the Internet" disclosed that if not for the draw of smut fuelled adolescent porn hunger the Internet would grind to a halt. "with all business use being diverted onto face book without porn we would be left in a cyberspace filled with pensioners and window lickers - something must be done"

sky has not commented fearing that any suggestion of educating its users would go against the aims and objectives of parent company news international.