Boris Johnson part of Foot in Mouth disease cull

panic struck CCHQ as this afternoon orders for Boris Johnson's immediate termination were ordered directly from COBRA, the emergency government giant snake. The outbreak of foot in mouth disease was traced back to a comment Boris Johnson made last night at dinner when he called a woman he was at dinner with, "Fred, your pretty bloody blokey, tell me what do you use to keep your beard so chuffingly thick?" - Ann widdecombe declined to comment.

This definitive diagnosis comes after months of speculation over the initial symptoms of the condition - and in reference to this Liverpool has been cordoned off as the most major site of boris's foot in mouthism.





as part of special measures the entire conservative front bench has been kept in seclusion in a secret gentleman's club - "where they can enjoy their last few hours" according to defra specialists.





"David Cameron has recently been exhibiting massive signs of the disease", said foot in mouth talking head Lord Saatchi. at this point in time the Tory leader is still on the at risk list, and should be considered a massive liability, with no right minded people approaching him.

RAther than the end of conservatism in the UK, Lord ashcroft, major party manager and banker said, "Its a change to sweep away the old quite frankly, or should i say a chance to sweep away the new and get the old back in. stalwarts of the tory front bench will be fine and only the new pr branded tories will suffer. older party members are too plain talking to be effected. they are racist bigoted and snobby." Lord ashcroft then went on to refer as the past decades worth of tory leaders as "collateral damage to me [lord ashcroft] and my master [satan] in the fight for the very MORTAL SOULS OF THE VOTERS MUHAMUHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Prof Rather McCarty said, "a lot of the symptoms went unnoticed - and quite frankly when dealing with increasingly inbred toffs it is hard to tell isn't it?." The specialist went onto say, "It is a problem endemic of the current fad amongst the right wing to competitively breed posher - and dumber- offspring, and then subjecting them to massive amounts of booze and cocaine in these hot house public school dining clubs - its inhumane."





Brenda Sheilah, of the Institute of Inbreeding based in Norwich, has said that the culling is necessary though hard and those around them should realise it is in the greater good. "we have had to inform several villages in the buckinghamshire, oxfordshire and Kent areas to cease all activity. the once harmless sport of baiting these posh right wingers with questions about entering Europe is just not on, it would be no laughing matter if Boris then went on to accuse their mum of being a slag and then going on a killing spree.





government insiders have said that the foot in mouth outbreak will be over once "we bury the ashes of their privileged corpses", a highly professional manner with no joy in their demise is being taken.