exams are getting easier, as former toddlers get record results

Britain's exam system is in crisis today as thousands of children got A*'s.

"all of these children were just toddlers a few years ago, and yet they can pass these exams", said increasingly desperate Tory front man David Cameron, "it is ludicrous that even children can pass these exams".

The range of outrage was only equalled by sullen teenagers saying that, "they weren't bloody kids, ok?", and "god you just don't understand do you?!".

There is a serious problem with any education system that lets a massive oversight like this happen, and according to a recent Daily Mail poll, exams were harder when they were known by only one initial like an O or A level.

"the modern multi-initial exams GCSE and AS level are overly lettered", said Prof McShane BaHons, Ma(Cantab), PhD, KBE, adding, "At this rate children who are 6 or 7 years old now will be passing these so called 'exams' within just 10 years".

The final words go to shadow education spokesman Hugh Dafark, "if these kids are so clever how come none of them have jobs?".

Desperate Dave's plea to Brown

Tory leader David Cameron today made British political history by asking the Prime Minister to stop "toying with our [Conservative] narrow minds".

"He may have an October election, he may not. He may have a Spring election, he may not. He is fucking with a fragile minds and twisting our heads - please stop Mr Brown", said the thinly veiled desperado.

The Conservative Party has not faired well in the wake of the Brown bounce, and looks to be blighted by arguments over Europe, and taxation. Two of the longest standing wounds to the increasingly right wing party.

"Look we deserted the centre ground and now we can;t make it back" said Lord Georgy "Little Lord Fauntleroy" Osbourne of Foxtons. "Redwood made some key proposals, and real head way of presenting our agenda for the rich in a populist manner, and if he hadn't been tainted long ago with other worldly weirdness maybe it would have worked." Adding, "We have so few people actually able to manage we have to resort to using dinosaurs like Redwood, who despite numerous flaws is better than Letwin."

Mr Cameron, continued his plea, "Brown knows he has us where he wants us, rashly spanking out policy proposals in the desperate hope we may grab some kind of political headway in the run up to an election. thing is we don't know when it will be, if he goes sooner then we may be OK, but later will result in us having to produce increasingly more outlandish head line grabbing policy free statements - and quite frankly we are halfway there already". a visibly unshaven and harassed "desperate Dave" figure to his own troops Cameron is really feeling the pinch of his PR driven style, say some observers.

Lord Cashcroft, in house Tory banker, said, "What we need now is a bloody good poll on the Eu reform stuff - let me call the Daily Mail".

Whilst David Cameron is desperate it is unlikely the Prime Minister will pay attention to today's outspoken plea.

Redwood faces Romulan attack

the shadow something or other John Redwood, faces fresh attacks on his proposals to destroy the federation and return control of all planetary signatories to the prime directive over to the Klingon's.

Romulan sources close to the Premier Marash OnMiB'itz have said, "It is clearly a document written by the Klingons, being put forward by one of their Vulcan spies." Adding, "we are concerned that the attack on viable taxation systems and a commitment to increasing motorway volume over the next 20 years, is against everything that the federation has done."

"Redwood, famously of Vulcan descent, has denied all rumours of being a Klingon double agent - but he would wouldn't he?", says Capt Jean Luc Picard. "i myself am committed to the federation and think any move to the tax slashing boom and bust economics of the Klingon's would result in disaster" said the slap head star ship trooper.

desperate dave defends dictators in his cabinet

after a tirade of abuse for half of his cabinet moonlighting as non executive dictators of companies Desperate Dave Cameron has struck back.

"look they literally have nothing else to do now, do they?" the bewildered Tory leader asked some cynical journalists. "its not like they are running, or likely to run, the bloody country. some of them aren't pig thick so its only natural they want to do something productive with their time." The incoherent rambling continued, "I personally wish i had another job, and i know many of my shadow cabinet colleagues wish i did too".

Lord cashcroft, the monkey grinder to Dave Cameron's organ said, "I'm absolutely minted, i could give em something to make em focus. you know a sweetener like, but nah they want their farkin dictatorships. makes me wonder some days - but fuck it lets face it they are a shower with a wet drip leading em."

The shadow cabinet has been unavailable for comment due to the sunny weather recently, but are now back defending their outside interests, William Hague has been making over £100,000 a year on the pubic speaking circuit, he has said, "i like money, who doesn't?".

Sarah Teaser the Lib Dem child slave and shadow shadow spokes person for something said, "i would do it to, but one no one can see me over the lectern and two no one rings. ya know, yah?"

The last word goes to Tory leader David Cameron, "Has anyone seen Oliver Letwin recently? i am sure he has been subbing in for David Dickinson at supermarket openings".

Cameron's Uncertainty Principle: The world of science shocked

David Cameron shocked the world of quantum mechanics today with his new politicised version of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle that the act of observing will change the phenomenon being observed.

The Tory leader said, "I have realised that the very act of watching the Conservative Party will change the nature of the Party. We are natural right wing, uncaring and bigoted but the very act of being watched makes us appear to be caring and compassionate. I am myself the most uncertain of all Conservatives being the leader - switching with a truly paradoxical rate of uncertainty".

nuclear physicist Prof Gavin French said, "This explains so much about the modern day Conservative Party. Like the atom which is governed by quantum mechanics - they too expend most energy whilst splitting".

Lord Saarky, the man with the Tory plan said, "I am amazed that Mr Cameron has decided to make this venture into the world of science, when he is sorely trailing in the polls. if i was him i would be focusing on my perception as a weak willed cowed toff."

Lord Cashcroft, Tory donor has said, "he spent my money on what?!".

The last word goes to the Brown camp who said, "I am not sure what this means for the Conservatives, but it doesn't sound great. to continue the tenuous allegory Labour is all about Brownian motion, invigorating the county on the molecular level."

Desperate Dave pins false hope on a Transformer

Embattled Conservative party leader David Cameron has hit back with his own poll of school kids after proper pollsters put Brown 10 whole points ahead.

Mr Cameron said, "i have conducted my own poll, of school children, and whilst it doesn't put me ahead of brown the margin is only two points. the bigger question Mr brown must answer is why he is 34 points behind optimus prime - who i will hopefully be getting onto my apparently defunct 'A list' "

it is a major talking point in media circles that Mr Cameron's poll of pre teen children has put him still behind brown. One remarked, "i am not sure whether he can argue to be a real contender when he is still narrowly beaten by brown and trounced by a giant transforming truck."

sources inside the brown camp are certain that whether 10 or 2 points ahead of Mr Cameron he need not fear the conservative party - or the fictitious character Cameron is pinning his hopes on"

Lord Saarky, a chief Tory grandee was posed the question, "what do you make of Mr Cameron's bold assertions of increasing his opinion poll status by twinning himself with optimus prime, on the basis of a poll of school children?" to which he replied, "he did what now? my god that man is crutters, i mean dim doesn't describe it, Jesus never thought i would actually miss Iain Duncan Smith".

optimus prime has released a statement saying, "I'm a Labour man, and I fully support Gordon Brown. Conservatives are Decipticons - Fact."

wanksy sprays

the world of art has yet to fully recover from the brutally pasting given to it by wanksy, graffito de jour and sell out of the year.

in a recent gallery exhibition wanksy took a aerosol machete to a picture of someone by someone else and art monkeys applauded like they to had just sprayed.

a malevolent hoody, James oxbridge from Bucks said, "look he has sold out rite, now it means that his previous work is given an inane and puerile aspect which would have been unattributable to an anti establishment figure - yeah he got the cash but lets face it - the back catalogue is now redundant."

a media talkign head said, "he is the zeitgeist".

Brian sewell said, "oooh um, yahhhhhhhhh".

the world of the street has lost another hero, according to some, and the art world gained another doyenne like prima donna - we know whose needs is greater.