"Political Theft: Problem Sorted" says Blair

Former PM and shiny in the States politician Tony Blair, has spoken out for the first time since leaving office - on the issue of pinching ideas.

"I know the Tories feel that we [Labour] have pinched their ideas about tax - but seriously look at Cameron he stole my entire f*cking act!", the 6 foot politico said.

"I mean the cheek of it, yeah policies come and go, but me I'm a one off. its very disconcerting that they ripped me off, lock stock and barrel."

Prof Moriarty of North West Uni said, "he has a point".

Desperate Dave's plea to Brown

Tory leader David Cameron today made British political history by asking the Prime Minister to stop "toying with our [Conservative] narrow minds".

"He may have an October election, he may not. He may have a Spring election, he may not. He is fucking with a fragile minds and twisting our heads - please stop Mr Brown", said the thinly veiled desperado.

The Conservative Party has not faired well in the wake of the Brown bounce, and looks to be blighted by arguments over Europe, and taxation. Two of the longest standing wounds to the increasingly right wing party.

"Look we deserted the centre ground and now we can;t make it back" said Lord Georgy "Little Lord Fauntleroy" Osbourne of Foxtons. "Redwood made some key proposals, and real head way of presenting our agenda for the rich in a populist manner, and if he hadn't been tainted long ago with other worldly weirdness maybe it would have worked." Adding, "We have so few people actually able to manage we have to resort to using dinosaurs like Redwood, who despite numerous flaws is better than Letwin."

Mr Cameron, continued his plea, "Brown knows he has us where he wants us, rashly spanking out policy proposals in the desperate hope we may grab some kind of political headway in the run up to an election. thing is we don't know when it will be, if he goes sooner then we may be OK, but later will result in us having to produce increasingly more outlandish head line grabbing policy free statements - and quite frankly we are halfway there already". a visibly unshaven and harassed "desperate Dave" figure to his own troops Cameron is really feeling the pinch of his PR driven style, say some observers.

Lord Cashcroft, in house Tory banker, said, "What we need now is a bloody good poll on the Eu reform stuff - let me call the Daily Mail".

Whilst David Cameron is desperate it is unlikely the Prime Minister will pay attention to today's outspoken plea.

Cameron's Uncertainty Principle: The world of science shocked

David Cameron shocked the world of quantum mechanics today with his new politicised version of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle that the act of observing will change the phenomenon being observed.

The Tory leader said, "I have realised that the very act of watching the Conservative Party will change the nature of the Party. We are natural right wing, uncaring and bigoted but the very act of being watched makes us appear to be caring and compassionate. I am myself the most uncertain of all Conservatives being the leader - switching with a truly paradoxical rate of uncertainty".

nuclear physicist Prof Gavin French said, "This explains so much about the modern day Conservative Party. Like the atom which is governed by quantum mechanics - they too expend most energy whilst splitting".

Lord Saarky, the man with the Tory plan said, "I am amazed that Mr Cameron has decided to make this venture into the world of science, when he is sorely trailing in the polls. if i was him i would be focusing on my perception as a weak willed cowed toff."

Lord Cashcroft, Tory donor has said, "he spent my money on what?!".

The last word goes to the Brown camp who said, "I am not sure what this means for the Conservatives, but it doesn't sound great. to continue the tenuous allegory Labour is all about Brownian motion, invigorating the county on the molecular level."