"science 0 god 1" say vicar

church of England vicar Rob Tether has hit back at the world of science today, claiming the floods had nothing to do with global warming but in fact were retribution for his sins.

"i have to come clean and apologise to the flood stricken areas of England, its all my fault", said guilt ridden Tether. "the day before the floods hit i sent the afternoon in my study masturbating to graphic pictures of ex big brother house mate Nicola Holt
- then disaster struck".

Speculators from the world of science and religion alike have questioned the dubious nature of his choice in pornography but are beginning to concede that such an apocalyptic vision could have brought about at least god's wrath - if not Armageddon itself.

Dr Steve Makele of the Church of England's Smiting team said, "whilst we do say our new testament God is all forgiving, it is possible that this action has invoked a return to the old testament vengeful and plaguing god"

a scientist said soemthing, but no one really understood it, essentially it involved words like "internicene period", "fractally sound weather projections with no certainty of gulf stream movement" and most disturbingly "nicola holt".

locals affected by flooding have found it hard to come to terms with the news. one man said, "Nicola Holt? that's unbelievable."

sources close to the arch bishop of Canterbury later mentioned that they were just glad it was fairly normal stuff and didn't involve any of the more notorious clergy related perversions.

the Vatican has declined to comment but is apparently pleased that finally god has started to back up their threats, one insider went as far to say, "Jesus Christ! about bloody time. we had started to sound like we were making idle threats", before being turned into a pillar of salt.

always a genocide too late

Lord saatchi continues his diatribe against now defunct Tory leader David Cameron

in a daily telegraph exclusive he says, "why mess about in Rwanda when he knows the fickle western media is now concentrating on darfur? I'm not saying that we should ignore Rwanda when the fickle western media is focusing on darfur, I'm just saying has he not heard of compassion fatigue? hello?"

the ancient ad guru went on to say, "look live earth happened and that was groovy and then Gordon brown poleaxed the UN into darfur, the floods hit and then chantelle up and left - Britain doesn't have space to care".

hit went on to lambaste Mr Cameron's choice of war zone, "its all about the Iraq, lets face it Iraq is sooooooo popular you could slap it on a t shirt and web designers would wear it. its hip. Afghanistan is yesterdays news.

"David Cameron is fated to be the global tragedy bridesmaid
and never the carnage bride - like thatcher"
Lord saatchi

Mr Cameron hit back whilst in Afghanistan by saying, " look i know the devastation in Whitney and in Kabul is equivalent, but lets face it Afghanistan has the sunshine"

cameron misunderstands snap election

after tough weeks for the conservative leader, facing war zones and refugees, or the oxfordshire Tory association, David Cameron has finally comes to terms with the prospect of a snap election.

"i am familiar with the idea of snap and look forward to closely mimicking the Prime Ministers every move - by shouting snap", mr cameron said on Radio 4's flagship Today programme. The tory leader went on to say, "for sometime now i have been trying to pull my party to the centre ground of british politics, and finding myself blighted not just by the old guard of right wingers but also Labour being nestled there, happily churning out policy better than mine. Now when i see soemething i like i can shout snap and gordon brown will lose the policy".

Sources close to the tory leader also say mr cameron has laid to rest rumours of rebellion from the back benches by using the age old technique of jinxing any critics. one tory whip was reportedly over joyed with being tasked with silencing Lord Saatchi. "the arrogant tw*t always talks about himself in the third person, piece of cake" he was overheard saying.

papers overjoyed with flood based puns

in a stark contrast to the actual misery of thousands of Britons the nation's papers have literally been "wetting themselves" with excitement.

the outbreak of flooding and political naivety from Tory leader Mr Cameron has resulted in a range of excruciatingly balls aching pun headlines from the papers

"Cameron is a damp squib" - Times
"it never rains, it pours - Cameron faces more attacks" - telegraph
"its raining then?"- the sun (on Mr Cameron's ignorance of situation at home when in Rwanda)
"water set to rise to biblical proportions, as in a allegory of Sartre's existential angst"-guardian
"Whitney gets wet n wild" - star (incidentally this was a story about Whitney Houston)

the headline to top them all goes to the NME, with the analysis that Britain is now officially Amy Winehouse - "Rough up north, bumpy in the middle and really wet down south".

Virgin media slams slow broadband users

The battle of broadband heated up today with Virgin media attacking slow broad band speeds and even slower broadband users.

A spokesperson said, "Research out today from Which? says there is a gap between the promises made by suppliers and the actual speed achieved". but then went on to say, "lets face it in most cases its academic really isn't it?"

"slow broadband users have been clogging up our network with inane behaviour. for instance searching for Google on Google. i mean honestly one call to our help desk involved a woman who was caught in the inescapable maze that is the Richard and Judy web site for 17 hours. we called in the fire brigade."

DR soreness McGuire's seminal research paper "porn and the Internet" disclosed that if not for the draw of smut fuelled adolescent porn hunger the Internet would grind to a halt. "with all business use being diverted onto face book without porn we would be left in a cyberspace filled with pensioners and window lickers - something must be done"

sky has not commented fearing that any suggestion of educating its users would go against the aims and objectives of parent company news international.